Trey wasn’t some guy that I would fan girl over in the hallway when he walked by. He wasn’t someone who I was happy with all the time. He wasn’t that douche bag lacrosse player who wanted to fit in. He wasn’t that person who purposely do things to hurt someone, whether they deserved it or not. He wasn’t the person to tell the whole truth, becasue he knew the whole truth would hurt you more to hear than for him to tell. He wasn’t that person who made situations about him. He wasn’t that dude with swag. He wasn’t that boy who wanted to get in a girls pants. He wasn’t the person who would be ashamed to be seen in the hallway talking to someone who wasn’t exactly “cool”. He wasn’t perfect by no means…
But Trey was perfect to me. He was the guy who acknowledged you when he saw you in the hallway. He was that person to would go out of his way to make anyone happy. He was that dude who could care less what people thought of him. He was that friend would purposely forget about his own sorrows and and do whatever it took to make you happy. He was the person would never lie to you about something that you are doing that is stupid, or if you crossed that jerk line, he would have no problem saying “Wowww! really?” He was that boy who was proud that he could undo a bra with one hand. He was the guy who had no problem giving you a hug just to undo your bra to get a laugh. He was that one and only that could make you feel like a million bucks with one stroke of the arm. He was the one who walked like a duck. He was that who gives a rats ass personality; with his random love for music that wasn’t the norm, and his boxers”.He was that unique human, who no one could really describe. He was that random kid who had love for both drama and lacrosse. He was that intelligent person that could argue his opinions, and still respect and understand your opinion. He was the gorgeous blue-eyed boy who took his own life 1 year ago today. 9.9.11. He IS my best friend. He IS someone that I will never forget. He IS that person that I will miss seeing. He IS that friend that showed me how you are suppose to love. He IS Trey McKinley Grisham. The one, the only, the loved and the missed. I love you always remember that.
It's times like right now that I know I am fucked up. We are sitting around your grave...1 year later, and I have yet to shed a tear. All I want is some light conversation. To not make this time more awful than it already is. The silence is killing me. The only sounds as of now are the wind, manchester orchestra, julians cigarette puffs, and my fingers on this loud ass blackberry. I just want to break the silence. I want to say something but I am too big of a cowardly bitch. I mean look at me, I am blogging while I should be starring off into the starry night like everyone else. I miss you, I really do. I love you always remember that.
Remember when I sent you this last year? We went back this year and thought of you."-“I love you always, remember that” It was 3:56 p.m. on September 9, 2011. That was the last thing Trey said to me before departing from this life. He later committed suicide that afternoon. The thing I felt most guilty about was that I saw it coming. I had the most uneasy feeling when he sent that text message to me. And I had talked to him days before because I knew he was having a rough week but I thought he would be alright. I still prayed for him. I prayed that angels would be with him and that he would have peace. I didn’t think it would be this way though. Before I go on I want to say that this story isn’t about suffering. It’s about faith, inspiration, and a guy that truly impacted every single person he met. There’s always those cheesy saying about how only the good die young, but Trey was most certainly a good one. He was friends with everyone, he never judged, he always told people how special they were, he is my inspiration.
I walked into the funeral home with my cousin Hope, they were best friends. I saw so many groups of kids. I knew Trey had many friends but as we came in and sat down there was so many people there that most had to stand. Everyone was wearing black but also several shades of blue, because it was Trey’s favorite color. I could feel the goose bumps spreading throughout my arms and legs as his closest friends and family members came up and began to share stories about their favorite memories with Trey. Everyone was crying but what I remember most was his mom. She was sobbing, loudly, the whole time. My heart was broken for her, for everyone. I know what all of us were thinking in that room, “If only I had said something, he would be here.” Guilt is a common emotion that comes with these types of situations but it’s never anyone’s fault. But this thought made me angry. “Where were all of these people when he was going through this?” I thought, “Where were they when he was writing facebook statues that were clear warning signs?” I was hurt. But I decided that my anger wouldn’t change anything so I pushed it back, right now it was mine and everyone’s time to mourn for Trey.
The tears didn’t fall so heavily until we walked out to the burial sight. This was real. Trey was gone and I wasn’t going to seem on this earth again. There was this heavy spirit of sadness but at the same time one of deep love for Trey. It was the most beautiful funeral I had ever witnessed. They released doves and blue balloons when everyone got there. I thought it was a perfect symbol of Trey’s quick journey up into heaven. I know many question if those who commit suicide go to hell or not, but I don’t believe my God would ever send someone who was in so much pain on earth to eternal pain in hell. I also believe in the power of that prayer I said before he was gone, angels were with him. They led him into Christ’s kingdom and there he experienced true heavenly peace. I hold onto this verse, Psalm 86:15, it says “But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Without this I wouldn’t be able to have peace about his death.
Even though it was tragic losing someone so special, he inspired me. I’ve always wanted to be a social worker and now this loss has given me the motivation and passion to help those that no one will help. To even talk to kids that are like Trey and give them encouragement and show them how much they’re worth saving. I want to do everything in my power to make others feel loved and wanted. I want to raise awareness about suicide and depression to let everyone know how serious it is. People need to know that those who commit suicide are not attention seeking cowards. They are people who are greatly deceived by their own pain. People who have suicidal thoughts or attempt at suicide need people who they can trust to not judge them. That way they can reach out.
They call him blue bird because he flew away. I call him that because blue birds are a symbol of happiness, and that is what his life brought everyone. Through his death I learned about life. I learned that it shouldn’t be taken for granted and it should be lived to its full potential. I learned to take every opportunity to reach out to inspire the people I have in my life because in the end all I will have left behind are the people I impacted. I learned how faithful and merciful my God is. And I learned that there will never be another person who changed my life like Trey did."
the title: Blue Bird.
Most girls have a type in boys they like to date. some like bad boys, others like meat heads and then their are the ones who love money. What I am about to type isn’t about the guy I want to date or be intimate with, This is about my type in male friends. Not just any male friends, the make friends who mean more to me than the average joe.
I have this problem. This huge problem. It may not seem huge to you, but to me it is cause a lot of feelings and emotions. His name is Jared Seed. No I do not like this guy. I have this platonic attraction to him. For a while I wasn’t sure why or what is was. I thought maybe it is cause he is nice and funny. Who doesn’t want nice and funny friends? right?
I have become attached. I want to know so much about him. I want him to be happy, I want him forever in my life. Like I said, I DO NOT like him, like that. I know the difference between a crush and the feeling I cannot describe. No it isn’t love. No I am not insane. The feeling I have toward Jared is similar to a feeling I have had before. The difference is that the feeling I had toward a prior guy was a lot stronger. The person who I had these similar unexplainable stronger feelings for was Trey.
It took me a while to put a finger on why I clicked with Jared so well. He makes me happy. he reminds me so much of Trey that when I am around him, I feel like I have a little bit of my best friend back.
I get angered with Jared for small stuff like I did with Trey. I feel like it is okay to open up to Jared the way I opened up to Trey. Trey use to call me beautiful all the time. When Jared calls me pretty it matters. No because I want him to find me hot, or attractive. Because, he says it with scincerity. I believe him.
I feel guilty comparing the two. for starters,No one, I repeat NO ONE can replace Trey, or can be Trey. Secondly, Jared owes me nothing, he needs to be characterized in my heart and mind as his own person. The sadness I feel when I look at Jared is too much to take at times. It makes me miss Trey more.
I really want to tell Jared this. But I can’t how will he take being compared to my no longer living best friend? it will freak him out. I am trying my BEST not to become emotionally attached to Jared. Nothing is working. All I know is that there is a reason Jared has been brought into my life now, and not sooner. We went to the same school for 3 years and yet I never saw him, or noticed him until we worked together, after Trey passed. Thank you Trey, for giving me some hope and love through Jared. You truly are an amazing friend, NEVER replaceable, forgettable, or loved more. I promise. Thank you Trey. I love you always remember that.
Hi Porshia — your tumblr page is great!!! Trey was so lucky (and still is) to have you as a friend. Please never think that you were 20 on our list!! I may not have handled things too clearly at times — but I always knew what you meant to Trey and you have to believe that you mean alot to us. Thanks for being the wonderful person that you are. Love ya
http://deartgrish.tumblr.com/ go for it.
I know some people think that having a public tumblr for him is attention seeking, and too impersonal, but this way the people who want to share stories and vent to other who know how they feel. no need to follow. I hope you guys enjoy it, or use it. xxxooo